Why Family Life Feels So Hard: Most Parents Are Not Trained to Navigate Ambiguity
Modern parenting isn't hard because we are failing. It's hard because the world now demands that we navigate ambiguity on multiple fronts.
As a designer and a parent of young kids, I used to feel like I was living in two very different worlds.
At work, design challenges are built on navigating ambiguity. We plan knowing things will change. We adapt. We pivot. I was relatively comfortable with change at work, but at home, it’s different. I thought I was mentally prepared for the chaos that comes with young kids, but nope, for a long time, I had no idea what I was doing at all.
This is the first in a series where I reflect on the challenges of modern parenting through conversations with other parents, and a reflection of my personal experience. I write not as a parenting expert, but as a designer exploring where design thinking might help. I hope these posts will help spark your curiosity, encouraging reflection, and offer a fresh perspective, so we can respond with more intention.
Why Does Parenting Feel So Overwhelming?
Our core role as parents is to prepare our children for adulthood. And yet, even with easier access to expert advice, faster ways to get meals on the table, and better healthcare, why does parenting still feel so hard?
There are many reasons discussed like economic pressures, social expectations, the pace of change. All are valid. But beneath all of it is something we don’t talk about that often, our struggle to navigate ambiguity.
Parenting has always involved uncertainty. But today, the stakes feel higher. We’re trying to raise children for a future we can barely imagine ourselves. And that’s not something our brains are naturally good at.
Our Hidden Struggle With Ambiguity
The Science of How We’re Wired
Humans have thrived because of our creativity. It helped us solve problems, adapt to change, and build complex societies. But creativity takes energy. Our brain is wired to conserve effort by relying on shortcuts and familiar patterns.
To feel safe, we need predictability. And to get predictability, we seek control. This need for control isn’t a flaw. It’s just how we keep ourselves alive. Neuroscience shows that when we feel in control, we experience less stress and make better decisions. Without it, we feel anxious and overwhelmed.
We are wired to avoid ambiguity, but are also mentally and emotionally equipped to learn how to work with it. We can practice cognitive flexibility, emotional regulation and creativity turn what we initially perceive as threats to opportunities for growth.
The Society We Designed Around It
Because we’re uncomfortable with uncertainty, we’ve built systems to give us structure, defining what’s good or bad, right or wrong. Over time, they shaped our cultures, including how we parent.
We were taught to value obedience over curiosity, predictability over exploration. Emotional outbursts and questioning authority were seen as bad behaviour. These cultural norms taught us to avoid discomfort rather than learn how to navigate it. Because parenting can be hard on multiple fronts, we naturally default to what’s easier, despite knowing that what’s easy in the moment often makes things harder over time.
A Designer’s Perspective
In my work, I’ve spent years understanding people’s fears, frustrations, and desires, then designing solutions they value, which in turn serves the business. As creators, we’re aware of our intent, strategies, and the potential impact of what we put into the world. There were times I questioned my integrity of the work. But I justified it by believing I was helping people reduce anxiety and make better decisions.
In many cases, that was true. But now, as I look at parenting through a design lens, I see how those same efforts to reduce friction have made it harder for me to be the parent I want to be.
Recently, I noticed how uneasy I felt when my child went out without a phone. Without real-time data, I felt anxious, not just about safety, but about whether he was telling the truth. That moment made me stop.
If I want to build a relationship based on trust, I can’t depend on data to do the trusting for me. That’s not trust. And if I can’t learn to trust, how can I expect to be trusted? Can I even trust myself? I had to make a conscious effort to stop tracking, and practice trusting with my instincts.
We’ve been conditioned to expect instant answers, constant access, and full visibility. At work, we use these to make data-driven decisions. But at home, where relationships matter are not clear measurable metrics, perhaps a more human approach, one that balances head and heart is a better way.
Let’s Shift Toward Intentional Living
I love technology. I love being alive (on most days). I even love some humans. But when AI sometimes makes me feel more seen and heard than the people around me, I can’t help but feel uneasy. Still, I try to stay hopeful.
Many of us have contributed to the design of our world today. But for us to share a meaningful future with technology, we need to stop living on autopilot. We need to start designing our own paths. With more urgency. With more intention.
It starts with us.
It starts with our families.
And it starts with choosing to live more consciously.
If this resonates with you, and are interested on how to start practicing navigating ambiguity by learning to think like a designer, you can start here:
Read the series: Why is it so hard?
Read all posts on Design Approach to Family Life.